I’m 29 weeks pregnant with my third child. As I look forward to holding and getting to know the baby currently nestled in my tummy, I’m struck by how different things feel this time round. I’m less anxious, more confident, and better equipped for the challenges and milestones ahead. At least I hope I am. I guess with two babes turned toddlers to call my own already, that’s to be expected.
As our due date draws closer, I’ve been thinking about all the things I’ve learned and all the things I wish I’d known first time round in those upside down days and months as a new mother. For the benefit of anyone about to embark on their own first foray into motherhood, here are they are:
(1) Expect the unexpected. It is good to hope and dream. It’s part of the process and part of the joy of transitioning into something new. But it’s dangerous to set the bar at the ideal or hope for all the textbook scenarios to play out. Bringing babies into the world and learning to be a parent is a complicated, messy, incredible, inexplicable roller coaster ride of extreme highs and lows and all sorts of in-betweens. And that’s ok. Relax into it, instead of trying to micro-manage every aspect of it.
(2) Labour does not always go to plan. I’ve had two really harrowing experiences bringing my babies into the world. Both were delivered in theatre in very sterile, intense, risky situations. Nothing like the beautiful, empowering experiences I’ve read about or friends have waxed lyrical about. Was I disappointed? Absolutely. In fact I’d say that at the time I was devastated, and pretty traumatised. But with hindsight I’ve realised that I was in safe hands at the hospital, and that the most important thing was that my babies were safe, and I was safe. And that bottom line, that’s what really matters.
(3) You are not a failure if you give your baby formula. My first taught us this the hard way. I spent five excruciating weeks trying every milk inducing trick in the book, and feeling a total failure at each midwife visit as I watched her weight plummet and was told she was “failing to thrive.” It took a Lactation Consultant to tell us what was wrong – I just wasn’t producing enough. It was either top up with formula, or my baby would starve. Once you strip it back to the bare facts, it becomes a no brainer. So we bought formula. And fed her formula. And overnight, our girl was happy, and life started to settle. By the time my second was born and I faced the same dilemma – formula top-ups or starving baby – I didn’t blink, and reached for the bottle.
(4) Breastfeeding is really hard work to start with. Painfully, toe curling into carpet, agonising hard work. And not entirely instinctive. At least it wasn’t for me. But if you push through the first few weeks, it gets easier, and sweeter. Enjoyable even. And you might surprise yourself and never want to give it up! I can’t recommend booking an appointment with a reputable lactation consultant highly enough though – it’s a steep learning curve, why not get all the help you can get from the get go?
(5) Be kind to yourself after baby gets here. Find windows in your day to do something that makes you happy. In my case, I read a book, or make myself a cup of decaf coffee and dunk some deliciously dark 90% Lindt chocolate in it. Or I skim Pinterest mindlessly. Whatever it is, don’t neglect yourself or the activities and hobbies that make you feel like you. You will be a better mummy for it.
(6) Don’t ask Dr Google questions during night feeds. The internet is full of horror stories. I guarantee you will find them if you try to work out what’s wrong with your baby in the dead of the night on your smartphone, and then you won’t be able to sleep once your baby finally goes down because your mind is racing with worse case scenarios. It’s. Not. Worth. It.
(7) Compair and despair. Two kids down and I’ve learned that people only see 10% of the iceberg of someone else’s life, usually the lovely looking bit. They don’t see the 90% of hard work, eureka moments, sleepless nights, trial and error and all sorts it takes to get there. So focus on you and yours, remember how far you have come instead of how far you’ve yet to go, and celebrate every milestone big and small. You’ll feel better about yourself, I promise.
(8) Just because it isn’t easy, it doesn’t mean it isn’t right. As a recovering perfectionist, I keep reminding myself to give myself permission to be a work in progress. Motherhood has taught me that you can be in the thick of exactly where you want to be and are meant to be, doing exactly what you are meant to be doing, and find yourself in the hardest season ever. That doesn’t mean you’ve made terrible decisions or are failing. It means it’s difficult. As a Christian, when the going gets tough I find comfort in remembering that God is my rock and my refuge. “Therefore I will look unto the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me.”(Micah 7:7).
(9) This too shall pass. When someone told me this in the midst of my dealing with a starving newborn, I wanted to thump them. Really hard. But it is true. Whatever “this” is. Sleepless nights, crazy crying, colic, constipation, blocked noses that wreck havoc on breastfeeds. Challenges come and challenges go. Hang in there. It will get better. And you will be stronger and wiser for them.
(10) It’s not a failure to try something new and have it not work out. When our eldest was eight months old I threw myself into cloth nappies with my usual “new craze” gusto, bought into all the benefits and cost effective rationales, and invested in a lovely kit. Three months later I was pregnant with my second and struggling with nausea and exhaustion. I found the extra laundry load really hard to cope with, and the smells during changes were killing me. After one particularly horrendous poo change that had me gagging into the loo while trying to contain a wriggly, messy baby and clean out the contents of a very pretty but very stinky nappy, I had to admit defeat. I sold all the nappies at a bit of a loss to a friend, stocked up on my trusty disposables, and moved on. Lesson learned? Just because something works for lots of other people, it doesn’t mean it will suit my family or where we are right now. And that that’s ok.
(11) Putting on a cheerful heart is good medicine. Bottom line, it’s often my attitude determines the difference between a bad and a good day. I now know that when God gives us kids, He gives us work! And lots of it. I can either moan about it or feel overwhelmed or get my head down, crack on, and enjoy the ride. Because there is genuine beauty in the mess and muddles and mayhem. But I’ve noticed how easy it is to miss the gold when I am worked up about and focussed on whatever it is that isn’t quite going right at the moment.
(12) Your body will go back to normal. It will just be a “new” normal. Truthfully, I find this bit really hard. I now know to give myself at least six to eleven months after delivery to start looking and feeling like myself again. I also know that this baby will leave it’s mark on my body. A scar, a stretchy bit, a slightly wider than I was bit. But I’m learning that that’s ok. More on scars and post baby body musings here if you’re interested.
(13) Laugh. A lot. Things will go wrong. All the time. Better to focus on the comedy element than tear your hair out.
(14) To quote Rachel Jankovic, your hands will be full… of good things. Don’t let the difficult bits steal the joy of those early weeks and months. Make mental notes of any milestones and achievements you or baby have made together. At the end of the day, try and think of one thing you are grateful for. If you have the energy or inclination, write it down, so that you have something tangible to read through and encourage yourself with if you are having a wobbly day and need it.
(15) Don’t wish your time away. With my first, I was always looking ahead to what would come next. With my second, I eased into enjoying where my kids were at, and tried to embrace all that came with it. And I think we’ve all been happier for it. Ultimately, the days are long, but the years are short. (Having said that, this post made me giggle). We’re making memories people, so enjoy the ride.
What lessons have you learned along the way that you wish you’d known as a first time mum?